Jirachi

 Suggested by ~KuroNeko1

I think we’ve all had one of those days where we just feel like staying in bed until we are forced to get up because we’re hungry or need the toilet. Apparently Jirachi never needs to eat or pee; it sleeps for 1000 years, gets up for about a week, and then goes back to bed until its 1000 year alarm clock starts ringing again. Just to make it even fussier, it will only awake to the sound of someone singing really nicely. And there has to be a very specific comet in the sky. Also there has to be someone there for it to make friends with. That’s quite a lot of motivation if you ask me.

You might be wondering how a Pokémon as comatose as Jirachi has managed to survive for many 1000s of years. To start with, it’s covered in some sort of crystalline shell supposedly to protect it from antagonistic Pokémon, more likely just to stop anyone from trying to wake it up. You don’t want to mess with Jirachi while it’s asleep; if it senses too much danger it will leap into action with its sleepwalking skills and unconsciously beat you up until you go away.

On the off chance that you are a good friend-maker with a lovely singing voice and you do happen to be at Jirachi’s place when that comet is in the sky, then congratulations; you’ve just got yourself three wishes! They’d better not be really long, detailed wishes though because you have to write them on those little bits of paper that are stuck to Jirachi’s head.

Jirachi may look cute with that big star-shaped thing on its head and those pretty little triangles under its eyes, but wait- what’s that thing on its belly? It’s a third EYE? Man, that’s a little creepy. That shape on its tummy is in fact its ‘True Eye’ which it only opens to ‘absorb energy for hibernation’. I think Jirachi is a little confused about how to eat. Listen, Jirachi, food goes in your MOUTH, please stop putting it in your eye because you might want to use your eyes to SEE with one day. Actually, scratch that, at the rate you sleep you’re pretty much dead to the world, so what you do with your strange belly-eye doesn’t concern me. At all. Goodnight.

Mawile

Suggested by ~TriggyJ

 

Mawile is a Pokémon that you don’t want to get on the wrong side if. Literally. From the front, you probably think Mawile resembles a little girl in a dress with her hair in a huge ponytail. You might approach this cute Pokémon; after all, what harm could such an innocent child-like creature do? But as the distance between you shrinks, you can’t help but notice those creepy red eyes staring at you. This Pokémon is starting to look more sinister every second. You want to walk away but that hypnotic expression keeps drawing you closer and closer until you’re so close that- SNAP! It’s too late. Mawile has spun around to bite you. What you thought was a ponytail was actually a massive jaw lined with horns which act as teeth. As Mawile is om nom nomming on your legs you can’t believe you fell for its trick. Don’t worry though; Mawile is the Deceiver Pokémon after all. And you might want to get yourself checked into a hospital with those bite wounds; it might not look it but Mawile is a Steel type Pokémon so I bet that really hurt, didn't it?

Scrafty

Suggested by ~answertolifeis42

Scrafty is a ‘Hoodlum Pokémon’, meaning he is your average thug, yob or hooligan. If you don’t think he deserves that title, then maybe you don’t know enough about his behaviour; Scrafty like to go around in groups beating up anything which comes close to entering their territory by kicking and spitting on them. Sound familiar? You might think a bit of spitting and kicking is harmless, but please keep in mind these Pokémon spit acid and throw kicks that can break concrete.

Upon first glance it appears Scrafty wears baggy yellow pants and a matching scarf, but these seemingly ordinary fashion accessories are actually the shredded skin of its previous evolution. It’s like they can’t afford to buy new clothes so they take the clothes which they long ago outgrew, modify the hell out of them to make them look vaguely original, and then walk around uncomfortably in them because they still don’t quite fit right. To further the strangeness of their appearance they also flaunt a red Mohican hairdo. Within a given group, the Scrafty with the biggest Mohican is the one in charge.

Scrafty does have a few advantages in the battlefield. Because of its duel Dark/Fighting type it is completely immune to Psychic attacks which would certainly come in handy for a certain opponent in the Pokémon League. Also, when Scrafty defeats a Pokémon (be it a friend or foe) it feels so proud of itself that its ability to Attack increases. I think Scrafty is balancing along a fine line between self-confidence and arrogance. Is this the strong sturdy Pokémon you would want on your team or the delinquent ruffian who you fear is going to firebomb your house? You decide.

Magikarp

Contrary to its name, there is nothing magical about Magikarp. Just open your Pokédex and it will tell you that Magikarp is an underpowered, unreliable, weak, virtually worthless pathetic excuse for a Pokémon. Sounds harsh, right? And this description is coming from the Pokédex which I always thought was supposed to be unbiased. Well, apart from its trophy for ‘World’s Weakest Pokémon’ Magikarp has only one other possession: the ability to Splash. I write Splash with a capital letter to indicate that it is an attack, but we all know that Splash doesn’t really fall into that category. It’s not even a defending move; it literally does nothing. 

Okay, enough with pointing out the obvious. Let’s see if there are actually any reasons you would want to own a Magikarp. For starters, Magikarp can withstand living in very polluted water, so if you kept one as a pet you wouldn’t have to clean the tank very often. They also might come in handy if you ever needed to have a Pokémon that could jump incredibly high (by using Splash, of course). In fact, Magikarp can actually jump over mountains with this move*. But we all know the real reason we frequently see fisherman throwing flailing Magikarp into battle for them to be slaughtered one by one: they are patiently waiting for them to evolve.

Anyway, if you get sick of the sight of your Magikarp, just tell it to use Splash to jump in and out of the water for a while and pretty soon you’ll have made a hungry Pidgeotto very happy.

*as long as the Mountain in question is less than 7 feet high

Haunter

Suggested by =Netbug009

Have you ever tripped up for no apparent reason? Or been somewhere completely alone and heard an inexplicable noise? The chances are you’re being stalked by Haunter, and if that’s the case then you, my friend, are doomed. They hide in the shadows of abandoned caves or houses, ready to take the life of the next living thing which walks by. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Pokémon or a human, Haunter’s gonna get ya.

Don’t believe in ghosts? Try telling that to Sabrina; when she was a child a Haunter killed all her Pokémon while they slept by entering their dreams and scaring them to death. Of course, Haunter can only use Dream Eater when you’re asleep, so when you’re awake you’re completely safe, right? No. Haunter has this nasty habit of licking its victims. As if being licked by a horrible purple monster wasn’t bad enough, something in its saliva causes the victim to shudder constantly until they eventually die. My only question is this: does the victim shudder for, say, a few hours and then die quickly, or do they go on living their natural lives, shuddering all the while, until they die of something else? I would certainly hope it’s not the latter because this would seriously impair your day-to-day life; what an effort it would be to sip hot drinks or to throw darts. Your handwriting would go downhill a lot too. 

Either way, it would appear that Haunter is not the kind of ghost you’d want to meet on a dark night. It might not even be a ghost at all; its ability to pass through walls is linked to the fact that it’s from another dimension. So does this mean Haunter is actually alive, but is trapped between our dimension and another? Maybe all ‘Ghost’ Pokémon are like that. I’m pretty sure when a Pikachu dies its ghost isn’t going to look like a Gastly. From this I think it’s safe to assume that Haunter and other Ghost Pokémon aren’t dead, but are easily confused with Ghosts because they share a lot of the same characteristics.

But what do I know? Ghost or not, I certainly wouldn’t want to bump into a Haunter any time soon, let alone catch one! I think I’ll sleep with my lights on tonight.