Bidoof

Suggested by ~Drauxia

Often referred to as the pest of the Sinnoh region, Bidoof is a Pokémon with very few fans and I can understand why. Before you even see this Pokémon you know it’s gonna suck; its name is contains the word ‘doof’ which is like ‘doofus’ shortened. On top of this doof is German for stupid, so we get the impression that Bidoof is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Let’s see, you’ve just started your brand new Pokémon adventure. You have Turtwig by your side and a shiny new pokéball in your hand, ready to catch your first Pokémon! You step out onto Route 201, full of anticipation, eager to see what this new region will have in stall for you and what wonderful new Pokémon you are about to discover. You step into the long grass only to encounter a wild... what is that? It looks like an unhealthily fat beaver. The realisation dawns on you; oh great, it’s another crappy 2-stage normal type Pokémon, taking the place of Rattata, Sentret and Zigzagoon. Speaking of which, it looks like a cross between its predecessors anyway; same shape as Zigzagoon, same colours as Sentret and same stupid goofy teeth as Rattata. Your Pokédex even tells you its teeth grow at a similar rate to Rattata’s. OH GREAT, I’m so happy you pointed that out because Rattata was definitely my favourite Pokémon from the Kanto region.

Moving on, Bidoof behaves very much the same as a beaver; it builds nests near water, it constantly gnaws on stuff to keep its teeth in shape, it lives in groups etc. I bet you any money it likes building dams too. But what use is it in a battle? You’d think it would come in handy with those massive teeth right? Believe it or not, Bidoof never learns Bite and doesn’t even begin to put its huge incisors to use until it learns Hyper Fang at level 21. At least Rattata knew how to use its oversized attributes. What a shame you will spend the majority of your journey practically tripping over these useless creatures on virtually every route. Time to go and buy some Repels...

Shroomish

If Wooper is the master of the permanent happy face, then I declare Shroomish the master of the permanent ‘IMMA FUCKIN’ KILL YOU’ face. I don’t know why this Pokémon always looks so pissed off, it’s like someone went round to all their houses and deliberately inserted a prickly twig up all their asses. That being said their houses are actually piles of rotting leaves, so it’s no wonder they find it hard to smile.

Shroomish’s appearance is based on mushrooms. My guess is that the designers took inspiration from the mushrooms they had been taking to help them come up with the previous 284 Pokémon. Shroomish releases a poisonous powder from its head when it feels threatened, so the next time you are strolling through the forest on a fine autumn day, don’t go kicking any large piles of leaves if you value your lungs’ ability to inhale and exhale.

The angry face and the green spots suggest that Shroomish is a rather hostile Pokémon, but something tells me that beneath it's hardened exterior lies a friendly little character. I'm sure if you got to know Shroomish he'd really be a fun guy.

Wooper

Wooper is by far one of my favourite Pokémon, and I have never really understood why. I think it’s the face that gets me, it’s so unbelievably happy all the time! Wooper is based on a type salamander called Axolotl, but to me it looks more like it’s a blue melon with a TV antennae lodged in its brain. 

Wooper can learn Ice Punch; but to be honest I can’t see him winning many battles with that attack. Having no arms might be a bit of a handicap if you ask me. I can’t see Wooper winning many battles at all actually, I can’t help but think any Pokémon with a decent pair of legs could just rugby kick its gleeful little face into the sky never to be seen again. That being said Wooper might just obliterate any incoming Pikachu or Magnemite simply because it is completely unaffected by electricity. This dual water/ground type has its advantages, but also makes it vulnerable to grass attacks; one tiny graze from a Bellsprout’s Vine Whip would probably send it into a coma.

Now if you’re anything like me, then upon seeing this Pokémon for real you would just want to pick it up and give it a hug. Don’t. When on land it coats itself with a toxic film. Some people believe this is a form of defence against other big nasty Pokémon. Others say it just helps keep Wooper’s body hydrated so it can cope out of water. But the truth is Wooper does it for the sick pleasure of seeing the looks of agonising pain on innocent children’s faces after they have bent down to pat him on the head.

So, like everything cute and fluffy (minus the fluff), I think we can safely say that there is a dark side to Wooper hidden behind its cheerful smile. However, if you are afraid that some local Wooper have a sinister plan up their hypothetical sleeves then don’t panic, just through a handful of leaves at them and they will run away screaming.